If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
