I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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