I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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