I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
