please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
