I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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