This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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