she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
