remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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