Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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