you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
