i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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