Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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