I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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