i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
