i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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