fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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