I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
