I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Found the puke drawer
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
