She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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