So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
