Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
