i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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