i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
