I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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