So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
