i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
someone owes me an orgasm
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
