I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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