Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
