Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
