I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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