Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
