Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
