i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
