I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
