What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
