I am spending my child support on dildos
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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