he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
