what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Randomize
