Too much gin, very little bucket
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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