She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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