he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
