careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
