New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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