guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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