Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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