two words: eviction party
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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