I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
