I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
