i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
